Understanding Attachment Styles in Relationships

Attachment theory offers a lens through which we can understand how early childhood experiences shape our adult relationships. In therapy, understanding your attachment style can help illuminate the roots of conflicts and emotional challenges.

The Four Main Attachment Styles:

1. Secure Attachment: Individuals feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They are able to express empathetic and soothing responses, as well as be soothed when conflict arises or feelings are hurt. They tend to have healthy relationships but can face challenges when paired with less secure partners.

2. Anxious Attachment: Often craving closeness, individuals with this style may fear abandonment and need constant reassurance.

3. Avoidant Attachment: These individuals value independence and may struggle with emotional intimacy. They might find it difficult to access empathy for their partner’s distress. 

4. Disorganized Attachment: A combination of anxious and avoidant traits, often stemming from past trauma, creates a push-pull dynamic in relationships. Once they are activated, it can be very difficult to reassure people with disorganized attachment, making repair and co-regulation more challenging. 

It's important to remember that our attachment styles are not fixed in stone and can and do change over time. In a healthy relationship, earlier attachment wounds can heal as the nervous system experiences secure connection and success in vulnerability. 

A skilled therapist can help couples recognize how their attachment styles influence their interactions and guide them in cultivating healthier patterns of connection.

Common Attachment Dynamics in Couples and How EFT Can Help

• Anxious Partner + Avoidant PartnerThis dynamic often creates a push-and-pull pattern. The anxious partner often seeks closeness and reassurance, and may be controlling at times, which can feel overwhelming to the avoidant partner, leading them to withdraw. The withdrawal, in turn, heightens the anxious partner’s fears of abandonment, escalating the cycle.

  • How EFT Helps: EFT uncovers the attachment strategies driving these reactions—such as the avoidant partner’s fear of being overwhelmed or the anxious partner’s fear of being unloved. By fostering vulnerability, partners learn to express their deeper needs, and respond to each other with reassurance, breaking the cycle of pursuit and withdrawal.

• Two Avoidant PartnersBoth partners may struggle with emotional closeness and tend to shut down during conflict. This can lead to a relationship that feels distant or emotionally unfulfilling. Avoidant partners sometimes resort to passive gestures of protest, such as withdrawing, or with-holding affection or communication, finding different ways to “run away”.. 

  • How EFT Helps: EFT encourages partners to explore and share their feelings in a safe, structured way, and have the experience of being heard and knowing their feelings matter. Over time, they learn to trust emotional intimacy and build a deeper connection.

• Two Anxious PartnersBoth partners may crave reassurance and fear rejection, which can result in intense conflict or an intense dynamic where each partner seeks constant validation. 

  • How EFT Helps: EFT helps partners slow down and recognize their shared fears. By supporting each other’s need for security, they can co-create a relationship that feels safe and grounded.

• Secure Partner + Anxious or Avoidant PartnerA secure partner may feel frustrated by their partner’s emotional patterns but can also serve as a stabilizing force. However, unresolved attachment triggers in the anxious or avoidant partner can still cause friction. Overtime, this may push the previously secure partner into their own strategies of pursuit or withdrawal. 

  • How EFT Helps: EFT helps the anxious or avoidant partner recognize the security their partner provides while empowering the secure partner to better understand and respond to their partner’s attachment needs, without compromising their own well-being. 

EFT couples therapy focuses on helping all partners shift from reactive patterns to secure, responsive interactions, deepening emotional intimacy and strengthening the relationship.

Ready to prioritize your relationship?

Dr. Larangeira, a compassionate provider of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), provides trauma-informed, feminist-aligned care to help you and your partner understand and heal attachment-based patterns. Whether you’re navigating a crisis or looking to deepen your connection, Dr. Larangeira is here to support you in building a relationship rooted in respect, care, and pleasure.

Don’t wait to create the fulfilling partnership you deserve.

Dr. Larangeira offers a free couples counseling consultation in California, to take the first step toward a healthier and happier relationship!

Book your free 20-minute Consultation Call today